I didn't even know I was lying to myself for 20 years.
Society is in a conspiracy against your soul. So you need self-knowledge more than ever.
Authenticity.
That's a word thrown around a lot. I think authenticity is different than sincerity. I have always been sincere in expressing myself, and many people are sincere. But not many are authentic. Authenticity means something deeper to me. It means embodying that which you truly are. And that takes an often brutal journey of discovery.
Because the biggest block to becoming who you are at your core, is who you think you are. And the qualities you have been most rewarded for in life.
In fact, all the ways you and I suffer most is because both you and society agreed that this is who you should be. And even you most developed souls out there—you still lack authentic self-knowledge to some degree. And it is the source of your greatest pains.
Let me explain.
When I was growing up, I was placed in gifted and talented programs. By about 11 years old I realized I was more intelligent than most of my peers. And this was increasingly rewarded by my parents and society.
I was the smartest in class. And ambitious. I wanted to be great—to go to an Ivy League school.
And since the education system and business world highly reward intellectual prowess, I did everything to be excellent there. I forced myself to read books. Study all the time with my friend. And I graduated valedictorian of a very competitive school.
I got into Columbia University. And I was convinced I'd become the next great philosopher. But get this—I hated reading philosophy. I hated stuffy intellectual arguments. In fact, non-fiction reading and writing in general felt so uninspiring that I'd need to take stimulants to do it.
I didn't recognize this resistance as my heart telling me I was off path. I simply saw it as an obstacle to greatness and a product of weakness in my soul.
After I dropped out of school, I pursued the study of religions, spirituality, and later, philosophy. I started my first heady-ass YouTube channel. Went through almost a decade of magic and hell, wrote a book, and eventually started my main YouTube channel on philosophy.
Now, don't get me wrong—I love to learn. Nietzsche and Musashi and Emerson all inspired me. And I started making videos about them. I tried many angles, but it was my long essays that YouTube rewarded with some success. So I doubled down on intellectualism once again.
But being a philosophy content creator is loaded with challenges. Mainly, the constant need to manufacture insight and develop thoughts.
After a year, my passion dimmed and I was working full-time writing long essays and forcing myself to read shit I didn't really care about. This fueled cycles of depression and addictions and uncertainty that have plagued my adult life.
And then, about a month ago, I realized something that has and will change my life forever.
In my Myers-Briggs Psychology test, I always thought I was an INTP—Introverted, Intuitive, THINKING, and Perceiving. I liked being an INTP. It seemed very cultured and intelligent.
But a series of conversations and introspection made me realize I'm a freaking F. I'm a feeler. In fact, I'm very sensitive. And I love a great and heroic story. I sing sad boy songs full of soul. And if I may be so bold, I'm quite emotionally intelligent with other people.
This is why I have natural charisma and people say I'm inspiring in the content I share—because I speak from the heart, to the heart. That is when I'm at my best.
And for the past 20 years, I thought I was a T. I was rewarded for forcing myself to be that way over and over and over. And it was killing me. So many of my battles, uncertainties, and failures in my life were the result of trying to become an ideal that wasn't mine.
Although, I think defining oneself as an "F" or a "T" is limiting—because we are all so much more—this did change my self-image.
I embraced myself anew. I'm not here to be some philosopher. Nor the best entrepreneur. I’m not here to be some yogi in the mountains or the next great author. I’m not plato or alexander, I’m not musashi or hormozi. I’m Kristian. And I'm here to be a leader. I'm here to lead with heart. Build new tribes. And to say a radical Yes to the adventure of life.
And that realization changed everything. I said fuck it to trying to force-read and write stuffy shit. I'm gonna read what inspires me. And all my creative efforts are aimed at authentic leadership—using my mind and insights to inspire others. It's a subtle shift, but profound.
And now, I have 10X more joy when I do work. And read. And I'm on the path to 100X more success—because I know myself and my destiny that much clearer.
Most of the time, our heart is trying to lead us to a particular destiny that is very uncertain to the ego. And the thing that blocks all of us is our mind—what we think and have been told we should be. It results in misery and pain. And in many ways, that is a fundamental aspect of the journey into authentic manhood. And the more stubborn you are—like me—the worse the suffering, but also the greater the change once you breakthrough.
At some point, we all must wake up and realize we are so much more than the aspects that your ego and society rewards. And like Nietzsche's lion, we must shake off the world with a mighty roar.
Nice bit of poetry there. Eh? :)
I’m dedicated to uniting tribes and helping people live their higher mission. If you want clarity and transformation, apply to work with me 1-1.
Anyway—back to self-knowledge work.
The revelation that I was an "E", extraverted, followed soon after. Thinking I was an introvert was a cope for the fact that I've always struggled to find my people—and also the result of forcing myself toward a destiny that wasn't quite mine.
I thrive when I'm with good friends. Every single night I dream of being surrounded by peers in a school or festival of some kind. And loneliness was the most constant, unrelenting experience on my journey. And yet, I thought I was an introvert??
"Be alone. That is where great ideas come from," said Nikola Tesla.
The thinkers and leaders I look up to, they all source their ideas from sitting alone in the mountains.
So I tried it. Writing a book up in the mountains alone felt like a drawn-out process of death and war. I thought that was just the way of life.
And yet, when I'm around friends and have healthy contrast in my life, I get full new ideas and feelings. My inspiration and energy for life return with force. And that is where my actual insights come from.
God damn, I'm a stubborn fool. To take so long to fully grasp the obvious.
Anyway, I hope this share inspires some introspection on your end. The ways you suffer most are because you deny your authentic nature in some way. You gotta realize—your own ego and society conspire against your soul to make you into something you are not. The only way to realize this is to follow your heart boldly and gain real self-knowledge on the journey.
Live gloriously, my friends,
Kristian
p.s. We are discussing self-knowledge and topics like this in the men’s academy. Contact me to join likeminded, striving men.
Awesome post Kristian. Time to lead!!! LFG
spittin